Saturday, November 14, 2009

First Entry--Me

About me. I'm a middle-aged MWM, fit, educated, successful, considered fairly handsome, a basic 'good guy', retired from the military. That's the upside. The downside: I'm on my third marriage, I'm miserable...I'm a 3-time loser. In the past I blamed my failures on the other person. Now I believe it must just be me. Maybe I"m just not the marrying type? I provide well for my wife. She doesn't even have to work. She has her own business; works out of the house; I subsidise her business and even got it started. Now it is profitable, and she keeps all the proceeds (fine with me) and never, so far has offered to pick up even one of the bills. Fine with me, I'd just like some respect, appreciation for all I do...and a sex life. Divorce is not an option...been there, done that. But I'm seriously considering moving out.
To be honest, twice before she'd kicked me out of the house. I'm a bit of a sex addict. Twice she'd caught me on the internet surfing for porn. I love sex. For years I was a wild and crazy bachelor and got lots of I miss it so much that I'm not getting any at all. I feel guilty that I'm so tempted to go back to surfing for porn, or seeking out another lady who'd be an internet/cyber lover. It's driving me nuts and it is just pure hell at the house.
Its deteriorated to the point that we no longer speak. We are mearly roommates. She doesn't love me and I'm not sure I even love her any more. I stay out of convenience, and because the cat loves me. No kidding. I pay every bill. I have a $475,000 home that is nearly paid for...I've made every payment. I bought her vehicles and pay the upkeep and insurance. I have a good retirement plan and good insurance coverage. She will get it all when I'm dead and gone. She says I do things purposely just to agrivate her. She's a neat freak and expects to keep the house in showroom condition at all times. I believe a home is meant to be lived in and not constantly looking like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. She says she's continually having to pick up after me and clean up after me. At one time that may have been true...but I honestly do not set out to purposely do stuff like that to irratate her.
I try very hard to keep everything I do cleaned up and picked up. I guess I'm still missing the mark. I feel as if she is continually angry at me. I feel unappreciated for all I do. I am miserable. She is gone this weekend. She leaves often on business trips (no I don't believe she's having an affair...and would somehow be relieved if she were). I went to make myself pancakes...something I can only do when she is's not to incur her wrath for messing up the kitchen. To my dismay, the last time she cleaned the frig, she'd thrown away the sauage and maple syurp I'd recently bought. She knows how much I love that stuff; and was with me when I paid $20.00 for the quart of syurp...which still had 2/3rds left. I was livid. Then I cooled off. I said, "Ron, you can choose to let this eat you up...or you can just let go of it." I chose to let it go.
Yes...I HAVE tried to talk to her...everytime she just turns it around and it becomes an accusation of me and how bad I am. So I have given up. Question is: how long do I hang in there?
I'm open to suggestions and opinions....